Watching as you stand up tall.
You used to hardly move at all.
No phrase can lead to more regret
Than “Isn’t it your nap time yet?”
Music on the floor.
A short book on the short couch.
Small things. Perfect life.
I would never, ever trade
Nights with you away.
My entire life sits
In the back, a tiny seat,
Where he holds my heart.
Looking at you here,
Early morning; big, bright smile,
I don’t mind the time.
How such a small smile
Can totally undo me
Is proof of magic
The little moments
Leave me so captivated
Eyes full of wonder
When I was no longer working as a minister, I hit a downward spiral. I had to reconstruct myself without the foundation I had always had: my work. What I did became who I was, and anyone who knows that story knows it wasn’t a healthy situation.
Fast forward two years, and I have a son. I’m primarily a stay-at-home dad who does some personal training on the side. I love this boy, and I have never been as happy at a job as I am when taking care of him.
When he cries or fights, when he is uncomfortable, I take it personally. I get upset and the self-flagellation begins. I feel like a failure.
In my head, I know that babies are just upset sometimes. I know you can do everything right and they will still cry. But in my gut, I still carry old “scripts” about the “job” reflecting the character and worth of a person. I still see myself in terms of how well I do things as opposed to simply valuing who I am.
This is a common problem. Lots of conversations between strangers center around what one does, as though that indicates something important about the character of a person. A person’s success is measured by their job, their education, their pay, their achievements.
On the surface, this makes sense. We humans like to quantify things for the purposes of comparison. This is great for buying cars, but it’s a lazy, cruel practice when it comes to relating to each other.
So at this point, my personal work is going to center on valuing myself. I, Jordan, matter because I exist, and not because I am the perfect father, husband, writer, or trainer. I am far more than the sum of my accomplishments or failures.
The same is true for you.
Peace be with you!